More Thoughts on Queer/Lesbian Dating

I went out dancing this weekend, which I haven't done in what seems like forever, and I had an excellent time. It's so amazing and stimulating to be in a venue with so many hot, intelligent queer folks with such a wide range of gender expressions. There were butches and bois turning my head left and right. The fun, flirty, possiblity vibe was so intense and wonderful, that it made me totally happy even though nothing happened and I ended up home alone.

The funniest moment was when someone complimented me on my dancing. It's such a crazy thing for me, since I generally feel pretty lame and uncoordinated when trying to look cool/sexy on the dance floor. I always worry that I'm one of those people who just sort of makes you cringe and look elsewhere.

Of course, it didn't hurt that I also spent the weekend flirting with a long-distance friend who was in town for the weekend. Although nothing has, or probably ever will, happen between us, this boy makes me feel so special that I seriously spent the whole weekend just a little giddy. And the sweetest thing was that he danced with me quite a bit (before going home with his ex, sigh) and even let me leave several glaring lipstick prints on his cheek at various points over the weekend. Anyone who's not afraid to walk around with my lipstick smeared on them is pretty hot in my book.

Of course, all this amazing attention over the weekend made going back to work this morning especially painful. I miss the flirting, the rush of being around cute people who might actually be datable. Just knowing that there are some people out there locally to whom I am attracted and with whom I can flirt is amazingly empowering and a little too easy to forget.

The identity question

I've smacked up against it again. The identity question. How do I label myself? Gay, straight, or bi? Clearly 'straight' would be a lie. 'Bisexual' feels a bit hypocritical to me, like a promise I can't quite fulfill. I haven't yet slept with someone born male, and I'm not sure I would want to. There might be certain circumstances where I would do it. And I I'm not quite sure what might happen in the future - maybe someday I'll meet the perfect man and get married and have kids. It would certainly make my parents happy. And I can't see the future; it could happen. I do leave the option open.

But really what I want, who I'm most attracted to, are butch women - female bodied but somewhere masculine of center. Sometimes such people are hard to find, though. It's a tough identity to inhabit and I can understand those who go in search of something better. It's hard to be a proud butch. Often these people transition and I don't necessarily stop being attracted to them as their bodies and personalitites change. FTM boys are strange and sometimes difficult to understand or get along with, but for all their flaws I often love them anyway.

So I date women and bois. Which means by strict definitions I don't qualify as a lesbian. I take refuge in 'queer woman' but that seems so unspecific. It always requires some more explanation. But 'bisexual' just doesn't feel right. I do like 'lesbian' or 'dyke'. I'm comfortable with these terms. I even like the political history they access, though it is sometimes problematic (ie exclusion of transwomen = bad). But for now I live in the polymorphous perversity that is 'queer' and try to make the best of it. It really is a good term; the fact that it is so very broad is both a strength and a weakness.

A real date

I went on a date last night and it was completely mystifying. In that it seems like it was a real date. And the guy (FTM) I went out with was a complete gentleman. I can't say that this has ever happened to me before. I have no idea what to make of it. I don't even know if that meant the date was a horrible disaster or if he's just a nice guy taking it slowly. I must say I didn't expect that. I kind of expected to end up back at his place somehow, but no, he kept things on my turf, opened doors, didn't touch me inappropriately at all. Didn't even kiss me goodnight, which might be a bad sign. Sadly, we have nothing in common; I'm a big nerd and he didn't go to college. Also, he's ten years older than I am. And I was horribly bad at making small talk - this is not my strong point at all. But he's totally cute, so I was pretty interested in at least some sort of fling. He took me to dinner, obviously thought ahead, had a pretty great plan although it didn't work out for the best - we went to Lucky Strike Lanes, which was a brilliant plan for having an activity around which to make conversation. Unfortunately there was a mixup with the bowling reservations so we didn't get to do that because it was horribly crowded, but we had dinner which was yummy and casual. He was a little confrontational with people on the street (granted, seeing someone pee right next to your car doesn't exactly make anyone overjoyed), which might be a side effect of the whole testosterone thing but totally nice to me. I would have thought that this would be the kind of thing where we'd go out a couple times, screw around for a while and I'd never really introduce him to my friends, but I think I could possibly hang out with him, even though our academic lifestyle probably makes no sense at all to him.

Crush

I rarely have crushes on celebrities and the like, but then again, so few of them are cute lesbians. With that said, I'm totally in love with Kim Stolz from America's Next Top Model. Sad but true.

The show itself is truly atrocious. I spend much of it wondering how such stupid people can exist in this world and especially wishing Tyra Banks were not permitted to speak. Ever. I wouldn't have started watching it at all if it weren't for Kim, who went to the same college as my roommate. But after an episode or two I was hooked.

Kim's great because she's rocking a gender queer baby butch identity on a show all about strange normative manifestations of femininity. They keep telling her to be more feminine and to be herself, quite possibly a contradiction, and quite frequently she manages rather well. Last week's photo has her looking quite girly sexy but she also rocks an everyday androdyke with a faux hawk look.

Though she's a little immature and full of herself at times, saying things like "I'm used to being the best," in general she's far more intelligent and coherent than her competition and she seems to be friends with all the girls. For a while, though she never won challenges herself, whoever did win always picked her as one of the friends with which to share the prize. And she's already had flirtations with two of her competitors; she's totally playing the field. Anyway, if she manages to remain at all humble she will be the most adorable thing around and I hope that even if she doesn't win this she manages to maintain some exposure in the public eye. I would already join a mailing list of some sort to keep updated on what she's doing next. I wonder if she'll pursue longterm career goals like law or academia and sort of wince at this moment in her past or if this will launch some sort of career in modeling or television. They should get her to make an appearance on the L-Word; she'd be uber-butch in that context.

One way or another, I will be keeping Kim on my radar and swooning over her as long as she remains on America's Next Top Model. It's nice to have this little bit of realistic lesbian representation on TV and I am very much enjoying lusting over her. Good luck in the ongoing competition, Kim.