The identity question

I've smacked up against it again. The identity question. How do I label myself? Gay, straight, or bi? Clearly 'straight' would be a lie. 'Bisexual' feels a bit hypocritical to me, like a promise I can't quite fulfill. I haven't yet slept with someone born male, and I'm not sure I would want to. There might be certain circumstances where I would do it. And I I'm not quite sure what might happen in the future - maybe someday I'll meet the perfect man and get married and have kids. It would certainly make my parents happy. And I can't see the future; it could happen. I do leave the option open.

But really what I want, who I'm most attracted to, are butch women - female bodied but somewhere masculine of center. Sometimes such people are hard to find, though. It's a tough identity to inhabit and I can understand those who go in search of something better. It's hard to be a proud butch. Often these people transition and I don't necessarily stop being attracted to them as their bodies and personalitites change. FTM boys are strange and sometimes difficult to understand or get along with, but for all their flaws I often love them anyway.

So I date women and bois. Which means by strict definitions I don't qualify as a lesbian. I take refuge in 'queer woman' but that seems so unspecific. It always requires some more explanation. But 'bisexual' just doesn't feel right. I do like 'lesbian' or 'dyke'. I'm comfortable with these terms. I even like the political history they access, though it is sometimes problematic (ie exclusion of transwomen = bad). But for now I live in the polymorphous perversity that is 'queer' and try to make the best of it. It really is a good term; the fact that it is so very broad is both a strength and a weakness.